On Monday, I talked a little about the toxic culture surrounding masculinity and how it hurts men.Today, I want to start the conversation to help dismantle it.And one of the best places to start is to talk about sex.
They talk about feeling broken or unworthy, that they’ve missed some sort of open time frame where they could lose their virginity and now they’re (metaphorically) screwed.
It feels like to 50 – that they can’t bring themselves to talk about it.
The fear of being “outed” as a virgin becomes a self-perpetuating cycle.
They so fear rejection for being virgins that they can’t bring themselves to approach women.
They can’t bring themselves to approach women, so they don’t have opportunities to lose their virginity. We live in a culture that seems to go out of its way to imply that everyone is having sex and you aren’t. In fact, the number of people having sex in high school is actually from 54% in 1991 to 43% in 2011.
They continue to get older, becoming even of titanic proportions that casts a shadow over everything they do and who they are. So let’s talk a little about the problems with the way we think about male virginity… Stories of blowjobs being traded as casually as handshakes in high-school, and the hang-wringing over college hook-up culture make the world sound like a never-ending bacchanal for those who are lucky enough to take part. Similarly, college isn’t the hotbed of casual sex that we think it is; students tend to regularly overestimate just how much their fellow classmates are hooking up rather drastically. The first is that we’ve been handed a shared narrative via pop-culture that directly affects how we our lives are supposed to be.
When you’re focused on your identity as Virgin with a capital V, it can feel like everybody else is at a party that you’ve been left out of, even as it’s going on all around you. Prom goes from just a dance to THE BIGGEST NIGHT OF YOUR LIFE, a night when you’re supposed to confess your love and slip away to lose your virginity.
We get convinced that college is a nonstop whirlwind of parties and fucking thanks to the “Girls Gone Wild” videos, every college movie since and pearl-clutching moral panic pieces about “hook-up culture”.
The second is that by focusing on being A Virgin – making it part of your identity – you indulge in a form of confirmation bias; you see couples together and immediately assume that they’re fucking even though they’re on their first date.